Starting Here

This June will mark my 3 year anniversary in Seattle. My dream city, a city I fell very hard for.

It’s been a bit of a dysfunctional relationship. But I’ve learned a lot. I’ve laughed a lot. And I’ve also cried a lot.

I’ve been depressed in a way I’ve never experienced or thought I could be. I’ve met so many different types of people

But I’m still so lost.

I’ve been blocked

Ghosted, stood up and ignored by people I once looked up to, most of them being past peers.

A perfect social media life defined by numbers and stats, the best new car or shoe and don’t get me wrong, I’m all about it,

It’s a really fun game, but it’s not realistic.

And at the end of the day,

That’s not what my life looks like.  At all.

I struggle with trust, depression, anxiety, allergies, talking to boys, and girls, body odor, under eye circles, a dry scalp, hair on my face, an upset stomach,

Communicating about serious things to those who are closest to me, completing goals, confidence in my appearance and most of all I struggle with understanding

Who the fuck I am.

I’ve mimicked laughs, smiles, expression and style, tried so hard to fit into this tiny box of what society wants me to be, what

You expect me to be, what I expect me to be. And I’ve been waiting for so so long to be content and satisfied with who I am but I don’t know who I am.

I don’t know who I’m going to be and what will define me as me. I have no fucking clue.

And I don’t know where to start. So I’m starting here.